"Letting Go"

I always struggle this time of year.  It comes in like the northern winds brisk and cool.  The air changes when the big yellow buses begin their routes.  The smell is different in the mornings, it is musky, cool, and damp.  I am reminded of the hallways of school.  You remember that smell as soon as you walk through the doors, propelling back, back to your childhood, back to your days at school.  But more than anything I dread this time because I have to let go.  Let go of the long hot summer days and cool nights, my children chatting throughout the day, the sounds of laughter echoing down the street, the subtle smack created from the flip flops throughout the house, knowing I am never alone, they, my beautiful three children, are only a holler away. Their voices to me are like the crickets at night, chirp, chirp, chirping away, energetic, excited, full of life.

This year was the hardest when that big yellow bus turned the corner, I had to let go of my little guy.  He is 6 now, a big boy, going to the big school, ALL day.  My daughters are seasoned veternans so saying good-bye wasn't as hard on the heart as when I saw my baby wave, trying not to cry, and kiss me good-bye.  He was so strong for what I could see was really difficult.  Holding my composure, I said good-bye, blew kisses, waved and stood there crying till I could no longer see the bus.  The heart is a beautiful part of us but when it hurts it truly physically hurts.  I grieved that day.  I grieved for all that was, the mommy and me days, the constant childlike chatter surrounding my ear canal throughout the summer, the energy my children bring to my life, the make believe stores created on the front lawn, the mid-week sleepovers, the flip flops, swimsuits, beach towels, chalk, and bikes strewn about showing the world, CHILDREN LIVE HERE TAKE CAUTION.

I love,  love,  love being a mom.  Being home with them for the last 11 years has been the best gift I could ever hope for.  I was there for it all.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Letting go wasn't easy and still remains hard at times but I know that I am letting them fly.  My daughter flew into middle school and is soaring like an eagle.  My second daughter is the robin watching over her little brother making sure he is ok and my little guy, he is like the little barn swallow continuously flapping till he reaches his destination.  So I let go, grieved, and truly believe my love will carry them throughout the day until they can once again be in my arms.

Mrs. Raccoon smiled.  "Now," she told Chester, "whenever you feel lonely and need a little loving from home, just press your hand to your cheek and think, "Mommy loves you.  Mommy loves you.' And that very kiss will jump to your face and fill you with toasty warm thoughts."...Chester loved his Kissing Hand.  Now he knew his mother's love would go with him wherever he went.  Even to school.

An excerpt from my favorite book, The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn.

When you let go of what was, you say "YES" to what can be.